Life can change in an instant…

By Anonymous

Life can change in an instant. Unfortunately, sometimes for the worse. This year, I found myself in that very situation, barely able to comprehend how different my life became overnight. Now, faced with instability, the need to suspend my life’s goals, and developing a new day to day routine of managing uncertainty without support, I have never felt such complex emotions, lack of sleep and appetite, while trying to care for young children and keep my job duties from piling up.

But what does this have to do with copper ammo? Ok, maybe it’s a stretch. I wanted to share this story because it is rooted in the same motivation I have towards using copper ammo, my interest in responsible gun ownership and ethical hunting practices. I am not a purist, but I am interested in trying to make decisions about gun ownership and hunting that I can be proud of. That’s my connection, even if it’s a weak one, to copper ammo.

Really, this post is a shout out to September, which is both suicide awareness month, and the month of my favorite holiday: elk and deer season in Western Wyoming. This year, however, was different from my last 15. Instead of the buildup and joy I typically feel reloading ammo and getting range time, I felt that other aspects of my life needed priority.

My life changing events pushed me to seek help—an effort to stay available for my children and my work duties as supervisor. In particular, the level of anxiety I felt was unlike any I had experienced before. Nausea that left me unable to stomach food or sleep were the real prompts for professional help. I lost 20lbs and was pulling multiple all-nighters a week. While medication isn’t something I often take, my lack of focus, and inability to be present for my kids warranted an openness to the idea.

I took the recommendation of a doctor, a good doctor mind you and one I trust has my best interest at heart, to try an antidepressant that is beneficial for anxiety. While I cannot say what role this medication really had or not, I am going to be candid, the following two weeks were really intense. I started having deeper lows, and in particular, I began having repeated thoughts of suicide. The thoughts came, and they built. At first, I had some passing thoughts but a couple days later, maybe I had 100 thoughts a day. I thought about many different things related to suicide. Usually without prompt, sitting at my desk, walking in the woods, in bed, all the time. Many of these thoughts were tied to my firearms.

I imagine it is true for most serious gun owners, but many of my guns, and especially a couple of pistols, have some pretty strong sentimental value to me. This seemed to make it worse, and they became tied to suicidal thoughts.

During bow season, I usually carry a pistol, in addition to bear spray (I am in grizzly country). This bow season, when I strapped on my holster, it felt a lot different than it ever had before. For the first time, I asked myself, “am I in the right mind to be carrying this pistol?” I was able to justify it but barely. This was before the rate of my suicidal thoughts really culminated. After that experience, I had a sour taste in my mouth about hunting and was a little less interested. By the beginning of deer rifle season, a couple of weeks later, I had to really ask myself, “am I good? Should I be carrying around a firearm?” Again, I was able to say, yes, because I really didn’t want to kill myself even if I was having more thoughts of suicide.

The following days, I hunted mule deer in the mountains, by myself. My heart wasn’t in it like usual, but I was trying to push myself to enjoy it as much as possible, because it is usually my favorite activity. I had some really emotional moments, in some of my favorite places on earth, doing one of my favorite things, I was overwhelmed with sadness. And, I was having repeated suicidal thoughts, with a rifle slung over my shoulder, or sitting next to me as I sat and glassed. It was not pleasant, or something I thought would ever happen to me. On one of the days following, I woke up early in the morning, hours before my alarm clock for work and my first thoughts were of suicide. I had a hard time shaking them. That’s when I texted a friend, who knew I was going through a lot, “Can I put my guns in your safe?”

Before my kids woke up, I loaded my guns in my truck, and after I dropped them off at school, I handed all of my guns over to this friend, who gladly said yes. I NEVER thought this would happen to me. I am a very stable person, but my life changed, the stability in my life was gone and with it my mental stability. But furthermore, after talking to two doctors, I stopped that medication. I still don’t want to say it just the medication, and time will tell, things are still unfolding for me. But I feel a lot different now that I am off that medication. But also, I feel better not having immediate access to the guns. Between those two things, I am in a much safer place.

People’s life experiences are so different. After going through these last few months, I look at other people differently, wondering what trauma they have experienced. It has made me realize that lots of people who own guns probably experience things like I did, where I went from being completely stable, to barely upright on very shaky ground in the blink of an eye. Whether it’s suicide, grief, or gun violence against innocent people, there are aspects of gun ownership that are good to openly and collectively talk about. My recent experience made real for me how quickly responsible gun ownership can change to an unsafe situation.

I hope by sharing this experience, it helps us all talk about these challenges. I know that I am not giving up gun ownership, but this experience has made me rethink my relationship with my firearms and I doubt this memory will ever leave my mind. Handing my guns over to a friend was weird, it wasn’t easy, and I felt ashamed, but man am I glad I did it. My kids are way too important to me, and I need to be there for them. For now, I’ll go hunting with a friend and lean on other friends/family to get through difficult times. Even though it’s tough, don’t be afraid to reach out to others for help and support, even if it means others holding on to your guns for a while. You are not alone.

In Wyoming, you can call or text 988 for free and confidential support 24 hours a day seven days a week.